Last Sunday I finished the series of sermons called Kitchen Table Talks on Relationships. As I was studying for the series and reviewing various sourcebooks, I was thinking about which ones to recommend to couples who were going through difficult times in their marriages. My wife and I know from personal experience that marriage is not always easy. But we also know that with God’s help, and determination to see it through, couples can come through rough waters with a better marriage than before. To help couples who are currently in those tough moments, here are three book recommendations.
Making Love Last Forever by Gary Smalley (Word Publishing, 1996) In this easy-to-read book, Dr. Smalley handles some difficult topics such as unresolved anger, deep hurts, disappointed expectations, marital communication and personality differences with insight and Christian wisdom. Taking his advice seriously will help couples get back on track.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Three Rivers Press, New York, 1999) This is a different kind of book, an extremely practical and behavior-oriented book in which the author shares his research in predicting divorce and helping couples avoid it. He describes how he predicts whether a marital conflict will resolve the problem 96% of the time after only listening to 3 minutes of it. I was skeptical until I began to read the signs he looks for, one of which is the presence of the deadly four horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. I knew from personal experience with couples and from other reading that he was being very insightful and his work would be helpful.
Fighting for Your Marriage by Howard Markham, Scott Stanley, and Susan L. Blumberg (Jossey-Bass, San Francisco, 1994) This book has become a classic for its description of four negative patterns that are very harmful in a relationship, patterns that must be avoided if marriages are to be healed. The authors describe the patterns well including case study examples, explanations, and practical advice as to how to change the pattern. The four specific patterns are escalation, invalidation, withdrawal and avoidance, and negative interpretations. When these patterns are present in the emotional interaction in a marriage they are very destructive and need to be fixed in order for the marriage to recover. This book can be very helpful in eliminating these four patterns.
